Unexpected Suffering

It's been a long time since I've posted. I sort of forgot about this blog, got busy with exams, got busy with life in general. Oh well, it's not like this blog is a necessary aspect of my life.

So, I just wanted to share a little of what's been happening with me, by sending it out into the vast void of the internet where it may or may not be read by anyone. I feel as though the closer I come to joining a religious community, that the further from God I become. I never imagined things to become confusing in this sort of a manner, and has resulted in a rather unexpected suffering. I suppose the more I try to give my life to God, it is as though I have grown far further from ever achieving this. My whole being rebels against me, and the interior battles have turned me towards some level of hopelessness, which is bizarre, because hopelessness is not really my style, and it's not something I thought I'd ever feel compelled towards. Yet here I am, experiencing it to some degree, despite knowing full well intellectually that my feelings are not grounded in truth. Feelings are a funny thing... I didn't imagine such peculiar battles of emotion/disposition versus intellect.

So what am I saying? Well, mostly I feel like a giant hypocrite... I know many of the things I OUGHT to be doing, yet it at the very least feels like I am not following at all what I ought to be. I don't know what to make of this, as I'm having trouble reconciling how I simply feel and how things actually are, so I am in the dark on the subject. And I know... I know that the devil is behind this and is trying to destroy me, but the difficulty is I can't really see whether he is succeeding or not, making it very hard for me to know how to fight him.

So yeah, essentially I'm just in some sort of a mess, and I feel so unworthy to give advice to others because I always feel at the same time that I'm saying, "here's what you should do... I'm not doing it, and I feel hopeless in my ability to succeed, but you go do what I'm not doing and what I ought to do". I hope that in this time I do not disillusion anyone else, or pull someone else away from God because of my mess. It's hard not knowing what's going on.

Prayers please?