Reflections over the past

I had an interesting time trip last night. I watched a rather somber short video, which evoked many interesting memories and feelings I had long forgotten. I recalled the time when I rather generally believed in God, but He was hardly a part of my life. It was an experience when every day was just another day to plug through, trying to ignore the inevitable tragedy of an adulthood of routine, working solely to get by. I tried to find something I was good at and that I enjoyed so that work wouldn't be a hassle, but really my main purpose in life was to have a wife and kids, and that somehow that relationship would solve all the other problems. I was so desperately seeking out someone to love, and to be loved myself. Among some of my friends I noticed that they would say, "oh I'm so happy for you" to someone who has found anything which might make them think they're happy. It didn't matter if they personally thought that it was not a good thing, such as someone getting into an obviously hurtful relationship, yet still they would say, "oh I'm so happy for you". These words were oft said to me along my path of mistakes. But in many ways, I had the same sentiment for others. Or at least, I covered things that way. Generally speaking, just so long as someone had something that gave them something resembling a sense of happiness was therefore good enough. I did not realize that there are things which may result in some kind of pleasure, but not in actual happiness. Happiness endures and pervades the being with peace. But pleasure is only a temporary enjoyment of something.

What amazes me is how incredibly far my sense in life now is from my sense back then. It was so weird recalling those feelings I had in the past, because they couldn't be farther from the truth today. Now my heart weeps with love for God, and I want to serve and help people out of that abundant love given to me. I'm not looking for a relationship with a person to make myself feel better, or for a job to try help the days go by. It actually makes little difference what I am doing. I could be laying on a street with no food and no home in the pouring rain without so much as a blanket to cover me, and still I would have that happiness in my heart, and that joy and love. Granted, I would be struggling of course, I'm not going to lie that it would be a walk in the park to live like that, but in a very basic and simple sense, I would still be happy.

It is hard to describe the peace I feel. And I so long to share my joy with others. When I see how I felt in the past and how I feel now, all of the questions and worries I had are, in the current light, irrelevant. They don't even apply as questions to be raised in the first place. And I hear people asking me these very same questions all the time, and I want to say, "please, just get to know God and trust in Him, you'll see everything else will fall in its place". But alas, this is not always understood, and it really can't be understood until one has experienced it. I hope that anyone who may be reading this who does not know what I mean, might give it a try. What have you to lose? You can seek out that relationship in private, so nobody needs to know, though once you develop the relationship, you will want people to know. But anyone please, I urge you, do not feel shy to speak with me if you would like some support. Even if you just want to talk, at any given time you have the freedom to change your mind. The commitment is personal. I just want to share my joy with you.

And please, no one needs to tell me they are happy for me that I am so happy. Think rather how you can draw closer to that happiness yourself. Even if you have experienced it, we can always go further. Let us therefore spur each other on further into victory, and help direct one another away from the problems we might see them walking into. For a friendship that is willing to disagree for the sake of that person, and not support in making mistakes, is a real friendship.

Which, as a side note, is also why I tell people to feel free to disagree and challenge me on my beliefs. Attack my faith and my life straight out, I can only learn from it. Even if a person could be mistaken in their assessment of one's actions or beliefs, they should still vocalize them, because that conviction shows you actually want that person's happiness, and not simply that they experience pleasure for a moment, and then get hurt for it.

Paul Sanders, here's to you...

As those of you who know me already know by now, my good friend Paul Sanders died on February 2nd, 2008.

I just wanted to post the video tribute I made for the funeral reception, as well as the eulogy I gave at the funeral, since it seems these have helped many people get through this tough time.





Eulogy:

       Everyone here has been affected by Paul in one way or another. We’ve been struck by his zealousness, conviction of faith, determination, and yes, even his eccentricity. Paul was not willing to compromise with his beliefs, and you all certainly know how committed he was to the protection of the unborn. He was a man of great charity, helping the hungry and the homeless, adopting a Franciscan way of life. Some of us wondered if he would forever be a wanderer. But perhaps, like Christ, he was not made for this world and simply had no place to rest his head. When we were younger Paul said he wanted his occupation to be a professional hobo. Looks like he won. But Paul was just a great guy who could make you laugh, sometimes drive you nuts, but always there to support, comfort, and offer words of wisdom. We loved him, and we know we were loved by him.

       So the question on many of our minds is “why so young?” Why was he taken from us at such a young age? I had always thought someday he and I would become priests together and concelebrate the Mass. He was such a good, solid Catholic with an amazing future ahead of him, so why now?

       Why not now? He is now a good and solid Catholic with the heavenly kingdom before him! Now he may rest on the bosom of our Lord God, and experience the immediacy of the Holy Mass in its fullness! He needs no longer wait for the Body of Christ to lay upon his tongue, that he may consume the host to experience Heaven, but it is he who is consumed by the Almighty Love of God—Heaven present all around him.

       However, even though we may know this, it is still difficult for us all to bear. In an earthly sense, Paul has left us, and by that physical separation, we might find ourselves uncertain of what to do next. Sorrow pierces our hearts, and we may feel anxious, angry, aimless, and confused. When Jesus physically left the apostles, they too were uncertain of what to do next. So what did they do? They gathered in the upper room to pray with Jesus’ Mother. They waited on the Lord to instruct them in their time of trial and difficulty. The Holy Spirit then descended upon them as tongues of fire, and their mission became clear. The Advocate gave them the words and the strength to move forward in God’s Holy Will. So too, if we go up to pray with Our Lady, will there be an outpouring of the Holy Spirit: gifts of Wisdom, Understanding, Knowledge, Reverence, Courage, and Wonder & Awe. We have already seen such amazing fruit within only one week, as we have read in articles, the internet support groups, the overall uniting of those who have been touched by Paul during his life, and some have even felt the initiative to return to the Church. Paul continues to serve, even in death.

       I would like to conclude that it is no coincidence that Paul died on the feast of the Presentation of the Lord. His earthly mother Mary presented him to the Lord when he was born, and now that Paul is born into new life, his spiritual Mother Mary presents him to the Lord.

       Paul Sanders, may you forever live in the peace of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ. Do not grow weary or let your zeal become thin, but continue your mission—even now—where you can do far more for the injustices against the unborn, the poor, the needy, and the suffering, than you ever could in your earthly life.

Take THAT Epistemology!

The whole theory of knowledge thing can be quite the annoyance at times. Thanks to thinkers like Descartes and his meditations, a whole stream of atheism was spawned by instilling philosophy's greatest enemy: doubt. It's not like doubt is a bad thing, it's actually quite good because it helps us to better know what's true and what is not. But it is not helpful if scepticism is taken too far, and we question the possibility of knowledge at all by setting the standards of "authentic" knowledge too high.

And then my "would-be" good friend, G. K. Chesterton (were he born in the 20th and not the 19th Century) says something so ridiculously intelligent, as always.

So to all you out there who are confused about knowledge, or who think that faith is opposed to knowledge... this is what I call, "the trust of knowledge":

"Bowing down in blind credulity, as is my custom, before mere authority and the tradition of the elders, superstitiously swallowing a story I could not test at the time by experiment or private judgment, I am firmly of the opinion that I was born on the 29th of May, 1873, on Campden Hill, Kensington; and baptised according to the formularies of the Church of England in the little church of St. George opposite the large Waterworks Tower that dominated that ridge."

That's from his autobiography. Paul Sanders pointed me to it. But I think it's good for us to think about trust in authority, because we seem to think that we figure everything out all on our lonesome, yet it really comes down to being at least formed under the tutelage of a good master. You just gotta know who is worth trusting.

Do old ladies find you charming?

So Andrew pointed out today that apparently I am charming to older ladies.

I was in Harvey's today with him, and we were standing in line, and ahead of us in a curved portion of the line were 3 older women (by that I mean, probably in their 40s or so, Andrew thinks one was in her 60s). I was playing around with my umbrella and it slipped and fell to the floor. Not flinching, I simply looked down at the fallen umbrella, bemused, and one of the women remarked in a playful manner, "well now you got everybody's attention". I smiled, picked up the umbrella and announced to the lineup, "well I just wanted everyone to realise that I am here, and I have an umbrella!"

I thought nothing more of the matter other than being kind of amusing, but Andrew was astonished and asked me afterward what happened. Apparently, the very moment I dropped that umbrella, before any commentary happened, these three women looked at me as though in love with me (in the sense that they connected and enjoyed me as a person, not in the romantic sense). I said, "oh, well maybe that's 'cause of my comments" and he said, "no! no! it was before all that. They were all totally responding to you! What did you do?"

ha ha ha ha ha!

What makes this more amusing is that this isn't the first time. A few years ago, to give an example, when I worked at the newspaper publisher, the women often made remarks about how I was only getting away with certain things I said or did because I was "too cute", or something like that. I remember I once was blanking out when a woman was explaining something she wanted me to do because I just didn't understand it, and, well I'm not proud of it, but I do that sometimes. Well she looks at me and says, "you know if you don't understand, you could just say so, but don't just ignore me" and then I must have reacted visually somehow to what she said, and I don't know if I smiled or was embarrassed or what I did, but then she reacted to me, as though defeated by something I did and said, "oh alright..." and started to walk back to her desk, "you know Steve, you can't expect to keep getting away with these things because of your charm and those looks". I was in total shock. What the heck was going on? More importantly, if I have this power over older women, then how on earth am I doing it? I want to exploit it!

Ha ha ha, I'm kidding of course. Though it is a tangled mystery to me and I would really like to know what this is I'm doing, and why it's only older women and never (or rarely) the younger ones!
This would have also been a really useful gift to have when I was actually looking to pursue women. Well... that is... if I worked out the kinks with the whole "older" women issue.

ah well. Onward! To priesthood! Huzzah!

This Is My Body - The Devil Mocks God With His Own Words

Here's a little article by Fr. Frank Pavone which I saw someone on facebook posted. I wanted to share it with you all.

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Did you ever realize that the same four words that were used by the Lord Jesus to save the world are also used by abortion advocates? "This is my body." Simple words spoken from opposite ends of the universe, with meanings that are directly contrary to each other.

Scripture tells us that on the night before he died to save all people, Jesus took bread, blessed it, broke it, and gave it to his disciples, saying, "This is my body, which is given up for you." He was pointing to what would happen the next day, when he would give up that same body on the cross. He sacrifices himself so that we may live. He gives up his body so that he can destroy the power of sin and death. As a result, he welcomes us into his life, into his kingdom. He makes us members of his body.

On the other hand, abortion supporters say, "This is my body, so don’t interfere with it. It’s mine, I can do what I want, even to the point of killing the life within it. All is secondary to my dominion over my body." In fact one abortion supporter has written, "I say their [pro-lifers’] God is worth nothing compared to my body" (Michelle Goldberg, "Rant for Choice," University of Buffalo, New York, student newspaper, 1995). This attitude accounts for the ability of a growing number of abortion supporters to admit that the procedure takes a human life and yet to defend its legality anyway.

"This is my body"—same words, opposite results. Christ gives his body away so others might live. Abortion supporters cling to their own bodies so others might die.

"God did not make death," Scripture tells us, "and he does not delight in the death of the living. . . . But through the devil’s envy death entered the world" (Wis. 1:13; 2:24). Notice the envy. Human beings were made in God’s very image and likeness, and, since the devil knows he cannot destroy God, he is content to do the closest thing: destroy God’s image—that is, human beings.

The devil does this by mocking God. Satan knows his dark kingdom has been robbed of its power (see Heb. 2:14) by the very words our Lord spoke, "This is my body. " Therefore, the devil therefore takes particular delight in using those same words against God. It is as though he says to Christ, "You used those words to give life to the world—I will use them to take life away!"

A wise man was once asked, "If you could do anything, what would you do?" He answered, "I would restore words to their original meaning." The word "love" is perhaps most in need of such restoration, for it is the most misused, abused, and confused word in the English language. We use it to indicate vastly different types of good things ("I love ice cream," "I love my dog," "I love my wife," "I love God"). We also hear the word distorted to apply to evils such as adultery, homosexual activity, euthanasia, and even abortion.

We find the authentic meaning of the word "love" in the Word of God. John writes, "By this we know love, that he laid down his life for us; and we ought to lay down our lives for the brethren" (1 John 3:16). In giving his body, Christ teaches the meaning of love: I sacrifice myself for the good of the other person. Abortion teaches the opposite of love: I sacrifice the other person for the good of myself.

Understanding the significance of these four words enables us to answer those who admit that abortion kills a baby and say it should be legal anyway. The abortion controversy is, indeed, deeper than the controversy over when life begins or whether or not abortion destroys a living, human child. The controversy is also over what the meaning of our freedom is, why we have our bodies, and why we have our lives.

The answers to these questions lie in the mystery of freely giving away our lives, our bodies, ourselves in love to one another and to God. Christ declares, "Do this in memory of me." He calls us to do what he did, and that is precisely how we reverse the dynamic of abortion. Mom and Dad must say to their child, "This is my body, my life, given for you," rather than, "This is my body, my life, so go away!"

It has been said that the false god transforms suffering into violence, while the true God transforms violence into suffering. The false god takes the fear and confusion that can arise from a pregnancy, or from a terminal illness, and uses it to tempt a person to the violence of abortion or euthanasia. The Lord Jesus, on the other hand, teaches us to stand in the midst of the culture of death and to be lightning rods, ready to absorb violence and transform it by the power of love into personal sacrifice and suffering that gives life.

Human happiness and fulfillment are never found by pushing other people out of the way. They are found when we push ourselves out of the way. Living the words "This is my body" in a self-giving way enlightens not only the abortion controversy but also the teachings of the Church regarding contraception, divorce, adultery, and many related problems.

As the Holy Father has often pointed out, the human body has its own language. What happens in the body matters, because the human person is not just a spirit. (That is the heresy of gnosticism.) Good intentions and a "good heart" are not enough. Rather, the Christian recognizes that he is (not merely has) a body, accepts that bodily life, possesses it as a gift which is guarded by self-control and virtue, and then in giving himself away in love allows that aspect of self which is the body to express that gift.

Therefore, the words "This is my body, given up for you" summarize—in different but related ways—what spouses say to spouses, what parents say to their children, what priests and bishops say to their flocks, and what we all are called to say to each other.

Pope John Paul II says as much in Evangelium Vitae:

"He who had come ‘not to be served but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many’ (Mk. 10:45), attains on the cross the heights of love: ‘Greater love has no man than this, that a man lay down his life for his friends’ (John 15:13). And he died for us while we were yet sinners (cf. Rom. 5:8).

"In this way Jesus proclaims that life finds its center, its meaning, and its fulfillment when it is given up. At this point our meditation becomes praise and thanksgiving and at the same time urges us to imitate Christ and follow in his footsteps (cf. 1 Ptr. 2:21).

"We too are called to give our lives for our brothers and sisters, and thus to realize in the fullness of truth the meaning and destiny of our existence" (EV 51).

"This is my body." It is no accident that the same words are used for such different purposes. A spiritual conflict rages here. We win, in our own lives and in the world, by living these words in self-giving, life-giving love.


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Fr. Frank Pavone is the national director of Priests for Life (P.O. Box 141172, Staten Island, New York 10314; phone: 888-PFL-3448, 718-980-4400; fax: 718-980-6515; e-mail: pfl@priestsforlife.org; web: www.priestsforlife.org).

The world is in our home

I must confess, I've been reading G. K. Chesterton on the side in addition to my sudden piling up of studies. So I wanted to share a bit about that, and my reflections of it in my own life.

In his book, "Heresies", Chesterton talks about the importance of family, as well as neighbour. It is interesting how many people flee from their homes to get away from their problems. It's different altogether to move on because we feel called to move in that way, or that there is some need we can be used for, which is often the excuse I suppose we would often make. What I mean, however, is the way in which we might desire to start anew, elsewhere, because we cannot deal with the immediate and local problems at hand. We flee. But it's not that we flee because, as Chesterton writes, we don't find home to be very exciting, but because we find home to be a great deal too exciting. Out there, elsewhere, wherever it is that we go to "get away from it all" and "experience something new" we are looking to discover the world, but it is precisely this world that is directly in our very own home, and indeed all we are doing is precisely that: "to get away from it all"—to get away from reality. Life is challenging. Because we are so prideful and often deem ourselves of a greater value than any other person, we seek to not even bother with such complications and "find ourselves" by seeking out comfort, ease, and avoidance of difficulty. But, again, as Chesterton writes: "It is exactly because our brother George is not interested in our religious difficulties, but is interested in the Trocadero Restaurant, that the family has some of the bracing qualities of the commonwealth. It is precisely because our uncle Henry does not approve of the theatrical ambitions of our sister Sarah that the family is like humanity. The men and women who, for good reasons and bad, revolt against the family, are, for good reasons and bad, simply revolting against mankind. Aunt Elizabeth is unreasonable, like mankind. Papa is excitable, like mankind. Our youngest brother is mischievous, like mankind. Grandpapa is stupid, like the world; he is old, like the world."

It is through difficulty and struggle that we are crushed like wheat, kneaded and pressed and made malleable; that our fibres are broken down so they are no longer tough and resistant. It is by these pressures, sufferings, dying to self and giving up to the Infinite Will, that we are made ready to become prepared as an excellent bread and fitting meal. There's a reason why family is the institution under which we learn and grow. We are born into a social setting we did not choose, that we did not ask for, yet are compelled to love, in spite of the battles, the harsh words, and the disagreements—that is, we learn unconditional love. This applies also when it comes to neighbour. It is the same with neighbour. Although we do choose where we live, our neighbour is who is much more immediate than the wideness of the world. There's a good reason God talks about having love of neighbour. He made our neighbour and to avoid them, again, is to avoid our problems, and to seek out only those with whom we are more comfortable.

When we try to avoid other people instead of dealing with them and treating them as equals, we are looking only to be affirmed in ourselves. Here's the tendency: we avoid certain people because we find them intolerable. We then surround ourselves with like-minded people who provide no opposition. We seek out the easy, the comfortable, the unchallenging. Essentially, we're looking to be confirmed in our present state. We're looking for a mirror of ourselves. We live in a world that is altogether too small. With the communication and technological revolutions, it is now easier than ever to find whomever we want in an instant. This is why the social skills today are so incredibly lacking. Because if I don't want to deal with the problems at home, at school, or at work, I simply need to depart from there and travel via internet connection to some remote forum group which agrees with me in everything I say. This is easy, and in this manner, we don't have to try. Being social, and loving others is a difficult task! It would be easy, of course, if everyone also loved, but that is not our present situation, and so if we are not willing to step above this situation, we will retreat from it, retreat from confrontation, from effort, from suffering, and from any hope of producing any kind of FRUIT. It's a spiritual sloth from which absolutely no growth can take place and no fruit can be produced without the effort and willingness that goes into it! Until we meet one another as equals, and learn to stand in the face of opposition and love anyway (obviously by the grace of God, that goes without saying) we will be rendered inactive, spiritually lazy in a sort of atrophy whereby our spiritual limbs are not even so advanced as the baby who flails their limbs uncontrollably. We are as dead.

I speak, of course, in hyperbole, (the most extreme sense) to reflect upon my life and where I have done the same thing, and so that you may also do the same. I have come to realise the instances in which I have retreated from my problems instead of learning to love completely 100%, but only to put in a portion of love, so long as it was convenient to me. So in these matters I have limited myself in growth, until such time that God thrust me into more difficult situations from which I could not run and was, in a sense, forced to deal with. I began by not dealing with it, and retreating, but once I realised it got me absolutely nowhere, I started to understand why dedication and consistency are so necessary and vital in the prayer life, even when it's hard, even when spiritually pressed. God removes His presence and certain familiar graces from us to sharpen our will and make us more vigilant. By making us have to work for the relationship, we grow in love, and thereby in unity and closeness to Almighty God. Thus our neighbour, and our brother, sister, parents, children and relatives, are all there as an earthly sign and reflection of the heavenly relationship. Relationship is hard and must be worked at. For faith without works is barren, and if we do not prove our worth in action, we find that in heart, we really had no faith at all.

Costume Fantastico '07

It's that time again! Though there were not as many costumes this year, good times were had, and I was pleased to go all out for what is likely my last opportunity to really dress up on Halloween.

So with out further ado, CHECK IT OUT!

Andrew and Nicole gut the ginormous pumpkin in hopes to find the hidden treasure! .... pumpkin guts!

You like pumpkin? Well? DO YOU!?!?!

Yes, that is correct, Nicole's head AND arm are actually in that pumpkin.

Wow, I.... I don't think I can say anything this picture doesn't say...

Nicole has never experienced such depth of pumpkin before

Nicole figured she could blast off if she got the angle right

One arm... one purpose.

Now if I can ... just... reach... my pop tarts...

He never speaks... yet "the king" says so much to our hearts...

Spider monkey contemplates the effects of grape crush applied to a stove burner

"..."

You'd think he'd be saying "eeeehhhhhhhhhhhh!"... But no. Still eerie silence.

"the king" is gentle to woodland creatures. Even those with rippling biceps and washboard abs.

Presenting: Pumpkincole! Pumkin hat-lid sold separately.

"Hey Paul, where are we going?"

"I don't know Nicole, but my pecs are flaring up again"

"No... it can't be... is it...?"

"Yes, I think it is. Also this pumpkin shell is tasty when you give it the chance"

"It's Wendy's! We're here!"

Nicole: way too excited to be going to Wendy's with "the king"

As a break from the usual, "the king" stares deeply into your soul.

Nicole thought it was good times.

Well there you go! That's it! Okay, I lie, there's actually a LOT more, but it seemed there were more videos taken than photos, so I'm gonna work on some editing and we shall have some delicious videos when I can get around to it. WITHHOLD YOUR EXCITEMENT!