Reflections over the past

I had an interesting time trip last night. I watched a rather somber short video, which evoked many interesting memories and feelings I had long forgotten. I recalled the time when I rather generally believed in God, but He was hardly a part of my life. It was an experience when every day was just another day to plug through, trying to ignore the inevitable tragedy of an adulthood of routine, working solely to get by. I tried to find something I was good at and that I enjoyed so that work wouldn't be a hassle, but really my main purpose in life was to have a wife and kids, and that somehow that relationship would solve all the other problems. I was so desperately seeking out someone to love, and to be loved myself. Among some of my friends I noticed that they would say, "oh I'm so happy for you" to someone who has found anything which might make them think they're happy. It didn't matter if they personally thought that it was not a good thing, such as someone getting into an obviously hurtful relationship, yet still they would say, "oh I'm so happy for you". These words were oft said to me along my path of mistakes. But in many ways, I had the same sentiment for others. Or at least, I covered things that way. Generally speaking, just so long as someone had something that gave them something resembling a sense of happiness was therefore good enough. I did not realize that there are things which may result in some kind of pleasure, but not in actual happiness. Happiness endures and pervades the being with peace. But pleasure is only a temporary enjoyment of something.

What amazes me is how incredibly far my sense in life now is from my sense back then. It was so weird recalling those feelings I had in the past, because they couldn't be farther from the truth today. Now my heart weeps with love for God, and I want to serve and help people out of that abundant love given to me. I'm not looking for a relationship with a person to make myself feel better, or for a job to try help the days go by. It actually makes little difference what I am doing. I could be laying on a street with no food and no home in the pouring rain without so much as a blanket to cover me, and still I would have that happiness in my heart, and that joy and love. Granted, I would be struggling of course, I'm not going to lie that it would be a walk in the park to live like that, but in a very basic and simple sense, I would still be happy.

It is hard to describe the peace I feel. And I so long to share my joy with others. When I see how I felt in the past and how I feel now, all of the questions and worries I had are, in the current light, irrelevant. They don't even apply as questions to be raised in the first place. And I hear people asking me these very same questions all the time, and I want to say, "please, just get to know God and trust in Him, you'll see everything else will fall in its place". But alas, this is not always understood, and it really can't be understood until one has experienced it. I hope that anyone who may be reading this who does not know what I mean, might give it a try. What have you to lose? You can seek out that relationship in private, so nobody needs to know, though once you develop the relationship, you will want people to know. But anyone please, I urge you, do not feel shy to speak with me if you would like some support. Even if you just want to talk, at any given time you have the freedom to change your mind. The commitment is personal. I just want to share my joy with you.

And please, no one needs to tell me they are happy for me that I am so happy. Think rather how you can draw closer to that happiness yourself. Even if you have experienced it, we can always go further. Let us therefore spur each other on further into victory, and help direct one another away from the problems we might see them walking into. For a friendship that is willing to disagree for the sake of that person, and not support in making mistakes, is a real friendship.

Which, as a side note, is also why I tell people to feel free to disagree and challenge me on my beliefs. Attack my faith and my life straight out, I can only learn from it. Even if a person could be mistaken in their assessment of one's actions or beliefs, they should still vocalize them, because that conviction shows you actually want that person's happiness, and not simply that they experience pleasure for a moment, and then get hurt for it.